in the buck

have you ever had that dream that you went to school naked? i have too. i remember it so vividly because it seemed so freakishly real. i remember trying to hide between two locker doors but my butt was still hanging out and i even felt a draft. why is it that the bad, mortifying dreams are the ones that are the hardest to wake up from and the easiest to slip back into, yet, the good dreams happen in a blink and no matter how hard you stuff your face into your pillow, you cannot for the life of you get back to sleep and once you do, that good dream has long disapeared into the archives of the unreachable and the impossible.
well at least i was able to eventaully wake up from the common "naked at school" nightmare, of course giving a sigh of relief the moment i realize that it didn't actually happen. little did i know, that nightmare would only forshadow the reality i was about to live some time in the near future.

                                

i was living in atlanta one summer and i had just come home from work and i wanted to take a quick rinse in the shower to cool off from the excruciating summer heat. it wasn't long till i heard my husband's voice in the other room, yell something to me but of course, it did not come out clear. "what?" i yelled back, and then i heard his voice repeat the same muffled sentance. Annoyed, i finish my shower quickly, toweled off, brushed my wet hair back and walked out to the main room of our small apartment...reminder i had NOTHING on but maybe a few water drops, not even a sock. "what did you sa-" i began to ask.

standing there, straight ahead, was my husband's friend. he took one glance at me as i stood there, uncovered, in the buck like a deer in the headlights. all i remember is my entire body keeling over, trying to cover whatever i possible could with my naked arms in such short notice. everything in that moment seem to be going in slow-mo. still bent over and horrified, i managed to run backwards into the bedroom while letting out an agonizing "waaaaaaah!"

i heard the front door slam shut, as my husband's friend, startled and somewhat jolted, booked it out of the apartment as fast as he could. no sooner later i heard a big thud on the floor. grabbing my robe, still blinking my eyes rapidly hoping to wake up from this nightmare, i ran back into the  main room only to find my husband on the floor gasping for breath do to his inability to contain his laughter at the
scene he had just witnessed.
                         

what is even worse, what my husband was trying to tell me while i was in the shower was a reminder that we were all going to go out to dinner that night with his friend and his friend's wife. well, looks like that friend was going to get more than just dinner, but a dinner AND a show.

                                                               

journals

i received a package from my mother not too long ago. my mom sends the best packages in the mail. she never just sends you what you need...she always throws in a couple things that you want as well. then she wraps all the items in bright paper and ribbons and throws on heart-shaped post-its with little notes and funny sayings. everytime my mom sends a package it is exciting. however, this package was not exciting whatsoever. this package was just plain frightening. my old yearbooks and journals.  
 
now you think one would be excited to go down memory lane, but i knew that my years and years of collected journals contained just one subject: boys. i was so misersably boy crazy. so much that i feel sorry for myself. i wish someone had smacked me and told me to get ahold of myself. i do not think there was a time in my life where the subject of boys was not on my mind...and i have it all recorded to prove it. i plan to hide my journals in a secret bin deep within the walls of my house so that my two daughters will never see the sight of them unless i'm long gone dead. thankfully, they are not interested in them now, so i will keep the bin by my bedside and even though it will be painful-no doubt- i am going to read through them...and most likely crindge the whole way through. as for yearbooks, i have taken a look through those while excerting loud painful sounds as the pictures just clairify how much of a complete dork i was in highschool. the question question i kept asking myself was "how the heck did i have friends?" i am so grateful that people saw past my boy-crazed gray matter and obsession to be dramatic and famous and befriended me.
for example,

                                                                 

i was running for student body vice president. i went to a rather large school in san diego so you can just imagine the type of girls that were my fellow peers. and let me tell you- i didnt look like the average california girl. i was very tall, and i was never one of those "naturally thin" girls. i would not categorize myself as "fat" ever, but when you live in southern california, where girls eat green tea and laxatives for lunch, anyone who is not wearing a size zero- was automatically considered "bigger". also, i didn't wear tiny tiny shorts and tanktops because i did not have the legs or arms for it anyway and my boobs were always so big i didnt want to show them off anymore than they already were showing. plus, i kept it modest because that was a life decision i had made. in the 8th grade i remember looking like the teacher, and i can even remember putting on a play for our parents in preschool where we had to act like robots and my teacher called me the "big robot." ...nice. the point i am trying to make here is that i couldn't just ask kids to vote for me for school VP because i was hot. so my running competition was this guy named alex- a thesbian.. on the second-to- last day of campaining, he came up to me and said "you better watch out because tomorrow i am going to wear something awesome" and walked away. so of course i did what anyone else would do...i paniced! oh no! i am going to lose to this kid because he is going to come to school wearing some laverish costume and take everyone's votes from me! what was i going to do? once again, i did what anyone else would have done- come to school in a cow suit...seems like the number one answer yes? well believe it or not that is exactly what i did (this is the part where you start feeling sorry for me). a friend of mine had a cow costume (doesn't everyone?) in their closet and I frantically asked if i could  wear it. so i squeezed into this full body suit-with huge black and white spots, huge rubber utters right on the crotch and a little hat with cow ears. then to top it off, i wore a huge bell around my neck so everyone could hear me coming...and going. i thought about sticking some straw in my mouth but thought that was a little much...i mean i had to keep my dignity right?
                                                           

i showed up at school in this getup and i got so many strange looks and laughs. everyone kept staring at my utters and i felt a tad bit violated when some people even tried to grab them. did i know that this bold move might ruin my reputation or make me a huge target for being the butt of every joke for the rest of  my highschool career??? did i know that this would probably change the mind of any guy that might have thought i was a little bit cute or maybe even pretty?? yes to both those questions. but, i had to because i wanted to win. i had to outdo or at least match up to alex's threat. i knew that it was a sacrifice that i had to make, or i lose.
well i was ready to meet my match. i walked around campus on a mission to find alex at lunchtime to see if my social suicide of a decision paid off. i finally found him sitting amongst his friends as i walked up to him to check out my competition. i stopped in mid tracks. the bell around my neck that was ringing vigerously due to my heavy, intense steps came to a quick silence...


he was wearing a neck tie.

             

babysitting

so it's friday. that generally means people are going out, making plans. or it means you can stay up a little later watching countless hours of youtube videos wasting time away...which i know everyone has done at least once...or twice. i remember TGIF was the highlight of my week as a young girl. my brother and sisters had that opening song memorized...how did it go again? "it's friday night...and the mood is right...going to have some fun, show you how it's done TGIF!" then we would watch shows like "full house" and "perfect strangers" while scarfing down popcorn with zero thought of caloric intake in our minds. those were the good ol' days. then as i got older i took on the task of becoming a babysitter and that job filled up my friday and saturday nights. now let me explain to you...i was probably the worst babysitter on the planet. my main problem was that i didn't really like kids...until i had my own of course. i am the youngest of five so i never had to babysit anyone besides all my stuffed animals. what was even worse, was that mother's were calling me to babysit when i was just 11 years old...ummmmmm that is just crazy. 11? what does one know at 11-besides the theme song to TGIF? it still blows my mind and as a mother of 2...i would never let an 11 year old watch my children unless they were some type of doogie houser. but that is just me. anyway, the talk, or even thought of a babysitter flashes a painful, yet still so vivid memory in my mind.

i was probably 12 years old at the time when my neighbor across the street asked me to babysit her 2 sons. of course i had zero plans (i mean at 12 who does?) and i accepted. i came over and the parents gave me instructions and left, leaving me and myself all alone. the kids had already been put to sleep so i really was just asked to sit in their house and do nothing. i don't remember how most of the night went....probably because it was super boring. however, i do remember how it ended. i was laying on the ground feeling very relaxed and tried to keep myself from falling asleep to avoid looking like the dead when the parents came home. well, lets say i was unsuccessful because as i was dozing off, i was awakened by a booming sound of my own fart! of course i was instantly startled, but even more startled to see the faces of the two parents standing right over me, staring at me looking somewhat mortified and as if i wasn't feeling that way x10 myself.  well let's just say i scrambled out of that house as fast as i could and went home looking for sometype of shovel to dig a hole with and bury myself in. needless to say they never called me back. but so what...i didn't like their kids anyway.

first post...big moment!

 

welcome to my blog. i may or may not know you...but shoes off and welcome. i hope that this blog brings you some sort of comfort...not from my words of wisdom; which i have none and not for my ability to take you into another magical world which i cannot do (only J.K Rowling can do that) and not for my incredible writing skills-which you will notice soon, i am lacking in as well (punctuation, spelling and grammar are NOT my fortes) but comfort in a way to know that you are not the only one who feels like a huge DORK. and may i emphisize that when i say "dork"...i don't mean "nerdy"...i am not talking about an action figure, rock collector or a star wars quoter. i am talking about the kind of a dork that really tries to seem like they have it all together but still manages to fall both up and down the stairs, says the wrong things at the wrong times, figits, has some big black seed in their two front teeth while laughing and smiling at everyone with such ease, plugs the public toilet, passes gas at the most in-opportune time, cracks jokes and the only response are crickets, rips their jeans in half while doing squats, and so on. That is me...such a dork. don't get me wrong. i do not have a low self esteam. i know of my self worth but let me tell you...i have had enough humble pies to last me the rest of my thanksgivings. it is crazy the things i can and cannot remember. my husband always teases me saying that i can remember what i wore on the first day of jr. high but i cannot remember my social. well-kinda true. but so what. that is why i have decided to blog- about memories and my everyday experiences and thoughts-lame as they may or may not be- whether they are read by one person (my sister who gave me the idea to do this blog), maybe three close friends, my children when they are older, several people, or nobody...there will be a blog made by me-a big dork in sheeps clothing.