journals

i received a package from my mother not too long ago. my mom sends the best packages in the mail. she never just sends you what you need...she always throws in a couple things that you want as well. then she wraps all the items in bright paper and ribbons and throws on heart-shaped post-its with little notes and funny sayings. everytime my mom sends a package it is exciting. however, this package was not exciting whatsoever. this package was just plain frightening. my old yearbooks and journals.  
 
now you think one would be excited to go down memory lane, but i knew that my years and years of collected journals contained just one subject: boys. i was so misersably boy crazy. so much that i feel sorry for myself. i wish someone had smacked me and told me to get ahold of myself. i do not think there was a time in my life where the subject of boys was not on my mind...and i have it all recorded to prove it. i plan to hide my journals in a secret bin deep within the walls of my house so that my two daughters will never see the sight of them unless i'm long gone dead. thankfully, they are not interested in them now, so i will keep the bin by my bedside and even though it will be painful-no doubt- i am going to read through them...and most likely crindge the whole way through. as for yearbooks, i have taken a look through those while excerting loud painful sounds as the pictures just clairify how much of a complete dork i was in highschool. the question question i kept asking myself was "how the heck did i have friends?" i am so grateful that people saw past my boy-crazed gray matter and obsession to be dramatic and famous and befriended me.
for example,

                                                                 

i was running for student body vice president. i went to a rather large school in san diego so you can just imagine the type of girls that were my fellow peers. and let me tell you- i didnt look like the average california girl. i was very tall, and i was never one of those "naturally thin" girls. i would not categorize myself as "fat" ever, but when you live in southern california, where girls eat green tea and laxatives for lunch, anyone who is not wearing a size zero- was automatically considered "bigger". also, i didn't wear tiny tiny shorts and tanktops because i did not have the legs or arms for it anyway and my boobs were always so big i didnt want to show them off anymore than they already were showing. plus, i kept it modest because that was a life decision i had made. in the 8th grade i remember looking like the teacher, and i can even remember putting on a play for our parents in preschool where we had to act like robots and my teacher called me the "big robot." ...nice. the point i am trying to make here is that i couldn't just ask kids to vote for me for school VP because i was hot. so my running competition was this guy named alex- a thesbian.. on the second-to- last day of campaining, he came up to me and said "you better watch out because tomorrow i am going to wear something awesome" and walked away. so of course i did what anyone else would do...i paniced! oh no! i am going to lose to this kid because he is going to come to school wearing some laverish costume and take everyone's votes from me! what was i going to do? once again, i did what anyone else would have done- come to school in a cow suit...seems like the number one answer yes? well believe it or not that is exactly what i did (this is the part where you start feeling sorry for me). a friend of mine had a cow costume (doesn't everyone?) in their closet and I frantically asked if i could  wear it. so i squeezed into this full body suit-with huge black and white spots, huge rubber utters right on the crotch and a little hat with cow ears. then to top it off, i wore a huge bell around my neck so everyone could hear me coming...and going. i thought about sticking some straw in my mouth but thought that was a little much...i mean i had to keep my dignity right?
                                                           

i showed up at school in this getup and i got so many strange looks and laughs. everyone kept staring at my utters and i felt a tad bit violated when some people even tried to grab them. did i know that this bold move might ruin my reputation or make me a huge target for being the butt of every joke for the rest of  my highschool career??? did i know that this would probably change the mind of any guy that might have thought i was a little bit cute or maybe even pretty?? yes to both those questions. but, i had to because i wanted to win. i had to outdo or at least match up to alex's threat. i knew that it was a sacrifice that i had to make, or i lose.
well i was ready to meet my match. i walked around campus on a mission to find alex at lunchtime to see if my social suicide of a decision paid off. i finally found him sitting amongst his friends as i walked up to him to check out my competition. i stopped in mid tracks. the bell around my neck that was ringing vigerously due to my heavy, intense steps came to a quick silence...


he was wearing a neck tie.