Dieting

so i have probably done every diet in the book. seriously. my weight my entire life has been one big roller coaster. i remember, in highschool, a guy broke up with me and i was so heart broken that i decided i'd "show him" what he had just given up... so for an entire summer i ate a can of green beans and a piece of turkey each day. crazy? yes. but guess what? i lost sooo much weight and i looked fantastic! i bought a new outfit and went straight to my ex boyfriends house for a casual "oh hello, funny to see you here...oh yeah i've just worked out a little bit over the summer...no biggy...you think i look amazing? oh thanks, my new boyfriend thinks the exact same thing...yea too bad you broke up with me...you could have really enjoyed this. well, maybe i'll see you around SUCKER!!!!" well, that's what i had imagined in my head. it didn't go down exactly like that, but he totally noticed and did want me back (i know, prince charming right? if my daughters date anyone as shallow as he was, he will be receiving a nice karate chop to the throat) anyway,  he totally tried to kiss me multiple times that night and i gave him the shaft...not. i totally kissed him back. totally pathetic i know. i left his house that night feeling on top of the world and completly satisfied. so satisfied that i ate a snickers bar...and guess what. i blew back up again. oh well.
but, now that i am older and wiser (i think) i never ever want to hear that my daughters are trying to lose weight on some crash psycho diet for a stupid boy. i was thumbing through my journals and i found something i had written long ago that goes well with my point here.

crash
if i could give advise to all those this pertains to
i would scream it at the top of  my lungs because i know what i say is true
crash dieting does not work-it is all lies
don't think you are obese because you chose to eat fries
PLEASE listen to what i am saying
i promise you a little fat on your body is not worth complaining
for you can fix it if you do it right
so dry your eyes if your pants are too tight
put away the diet pills that tell you they work
because it's not true-who made them is a jerk!
for they don't understand what a diet can do
they just want your money, that don't care about you!
diets can hurt and leave you sadder
it can also switch around and make you even fatter
the media will tell you it's beautiful to be thin
but your body is screaming that it is a sin
of course you ignore it when your body tries to say,
"you're killing me diet, i have felt fatigued and nauseous all day'
but you hope that in the end you will lose what you've worked for
even then it's not enough and you decide to diet some more
there you go again, hurting your system, making it less tough
your killing yourself can't you tell? it's time to say enough!
look in the mirror and tell yourself you are wonderful and you don't need to diet
but you can exercise and watch your calories and your weight-you soon will fight it!
be strong and don't let diet books and fads tell you the ways
to make yourself skinnier and more beautiful in  just 3 days
just remember that it is possible to lose the weight you want
even if it is 10 pounds or 300, you can lose it, then you may flaunt
but please please do it right and don't fork out your cash
for stupid diets, they all lie and in the end you crash

a tad dramatic yes? i thought so too. but hey- so what. my point has been made.

party pooper

                                 
                
So i threw a baby shower for a really great girl that goes to my church. it was my first baby shower and i thought it went well. most of the docorations i got were from the doller store. that place has so many hidden treasures. i love that place except the shopping carts are way too small. i try to fit both my kids in the cart and it just looks rediculous. anyway, at the shin-dig there were lots of treats to eat and i had spent most of the afternoon while my kids were taking their naps, making them for everyone to enjoy. i kept picking at the food  until i was feeling a little sugar sick and i managed to stop myself and focus on the tasks at hand.

it was 7:30 and the party had begun. everything was going really great, and everyone seemed to be having a great time until almost at the end of the night when suddenly, my stomach started cramping really bad. i tried to just let it pass but it was increasingly getting worse. i was seriously in so much pain that i was physically forced to keel over and put my hands on my knees. what was this pain coming from? it wasn't aunt flow because that had just ended the week prior, and i even thought for a second -omg am i pregnant and don't even know it?- i imagined myself on the tlc show "i didn't know i was pregnant" being one of those girls who are completly un-in tune with their body and have a full blown pregnancy without feeling sick, a kick, or a need to pee all the time...i just don't get it...at all! anyway back to the stomach pains-i soon was sitting on my couch totally moaning and groaning...ladies were trying to be super sweet and comforting and also gave me great tips like "lay down with your butt in the air, and try to fart"...definitely something i had imagined being said before the party begun. i finally just left the party and crawled up my stairs- barely on my own- and laid on my bed. these pains were so intense at this point. then it hit me...all i had eaten that day was sugar and crap! and that is exactly what was causing me so much pain. i sat on the toilet to see if that helped and it didn't at all. and while i was sitting there, one of my friends walked in to bring me water-boy did i feel glamorous. but let me tell you...you know when someone is a good friend when they see you on the toilet and don't even flinch...love her.

soon my husband was paged and came to my aid with pepto bismol (which tastes like pink glue) and i was able to relax and go to the bathroom and expell the monster that totally ruined my party. in seconds i became a totally new person and i walked downstairs, back to normal again, only to find that my house was all cleaned up and everyone had left. wonderful. just perfect. not really how i had planned this all to end. don't get me wrong, the party was really fun at first, but at the end of the night-it all went down the toilet. literally. you may now consider me a real party pooper.

warning, this is long...major venting session here...please feel my pain!!!

                                    

so i know it's been quite a while since i have last blogged. but i had a legit excuse. i went on a fantastic vacation. i went to new york for 4 days and then i headed to san diego for two weeks where i completly indulged myself in perfect weather, pedicures, and mexican food. it was just the break i needed. going home for me is always wonderful, and leaving is so bittersweet. it's like a part of you never leaves the place you grew up. i always feel like im back in high school, with no real important cares in the world and completly 100% relying on my parents for support and strength. then when you move out, those ties are cut, and you are on your own to fend for yourself and you just hope that you can do it on your own and you don't want to find yourself missing your parents. you want to be that independent, free from your past, ready for the future with an open heart kinda person. i remember trying to be that person. but for some reason, my heart strings still always had a special pull torwards my home that built me (thank you miranda lambert for that corny saying) and honestly, i don't think that will ever change.

new york, by the way, pretty much was getting cooked the 4 days i was there. over 100 degrees everyday. sweat was my new accessory. let me tell you, getting on a subway, packed with tons of smelly, sweaty (and some just plane looney) people was probably the least favorite part of being there. but besides that, new york was awesome and there is something about that place that makes you feel like you can say, do, think, feel, dress, be anything or anyone  that you want because quite frankly-anything goes there. super awesome to experience, but i would never live there. visit yes, but live-no. i use to be a city girl, but now i appreciate the small suburban life. boy, have i changed.

traveling to san diego, i wish i could say was a smooth ride. no i am not talking about the turbulance, i am talking about the entire journey of getting to san diego. it all pretty much wrapped up in one word....HELL.

so i was traveling with two kids and my mother and before we got on the first flight, they mentioned some weather problems in atlanta (our connecting flight). but they said it won't be a problem and we all boarded the plane. now for those who have never traveled with kids let me tell you this...as soon as you get on the plane, you want to get off of it. you just hope and pray that everything goes smoothly and you get to your destination as fast as that plane can take you. so my kids are ya know, good for most of the ride, then they start to get fussy because of the air pressure and the fact that they don't like sitting in one place for so long so i am ready to finally get to atlanta. the pilot gets on the intercom and mentions that there is bad weather in atlanta and the airport is momentarily shut down so he informs us that we are just going to fly above the airport until the bad weather passes. 45 minutes goes by...the pilot gets on the intercom again and tells us that we are running out of gas and we are going to land in savannah georgia to fill up our tank. what the?! everyone is really peeved by now and people are realizing that they are going to miss their connecting flight. my kids are getting antsy and i am getting annoyed with the situation. we land in savannah and i am expecting us to just fill up and head back to atlanta. i am not kidding you....2 freakin hours later of sitting on the airplane after landing in savannah, we finally lift off to go to atlanta. my kids by now are screaming, and i am realizing that i am running out of formula for my baby who is only 8 months old. my mom had asked if the savannah airport had any we could buy and infant formula is nowhere to be found in airports... that is a big mistake. why didn't i give my daughter regular milk you ask? well you can't just give your infant regular milk, it can really upset their stomach and you never know how they are going to react to it...and it is recommended to wait till they are about 1 years old.  so back to the horrific experience. so everyone on the airplane is really upset, tired and angry about what is going on and we find out that our connecting flight had also been delayed till 12:40 am. so we were happy that we did not miss it even though it was super late and  my kids were hungary and tired. so we are waiting to get on the connecting flight and there seemed to be some problems with the flight crew...one them was missing. not the pilots, they were ready to go...but one of the stewardess was missing....so what??? i don't care if there are not enough people to hand out peanuts, i just want to get to san diego please!!!! well nobody was saying anything until 2:00 am. my kids were so upset, i didn't have anymore formula and i was about to flip on someone. then over the intercome the worst that could possibly be said was spoken

"this flight to san diego has been cancelled"

can you imagine the uproar? i thought people were going to start throwing punches, wait that was just me. i seriously wanted to cry. my mom immediatly called the airline to book new tickets. the person on the other line said that they could get us on the next flight in 3 hours at 5:45 am. we took it. however, it was with another airline. so we made our way all the way down to united, and sat there. my baby was so hungary and i needed formula so bad. my mother acutally walked around, asking other people with kids for formula. it was really really pathetic but we were that desperate. so my mom saved the day and decided to to venture out on her own in the middle of the night in atlanta and try to find a CVS store or anywhere for fomula. i was so nervous at the thought of her going out there in a cab on her own in atlanta at 3:45 am. i don't think i have ever been so on edge in my life. my mom left me there with my two crying kids and i just held my breath. paceing back and forth.

finally, my mom arrived back at the airport with formula and said that the cab driver had no idea where he was going and magically a cop showed up and showed them the way. we had formula and my baby was happy and i was partially relieved. we get in line as soon as united airlines opened and asked to get our tickets... basically, in a nutshell, they tell us that we cannot get our tickets until we get permission from our original airline (delta) to transfer over to united. this makes no sense to us and we beg the people of united to help us and while they are trying to transfer over the tickets and call delta, we miss the 5:45 flight. so by then i just wanted to ask for the nearest cliff for me to jump off of. meanwhile my 2 year old daughter decided to have a huge tantrum which there was nothing i could do about so everyone there was just starring at us as my daughter was screaming bloody murder, and i looked like i was going to collapse and kill someone all at the same time, and my mother was so mad and my baby was super fussy as well. can you picture it? yes that was me.

so we walked to the other side of the airport, back to delta and got in the super long line for someone to help us book another flight. about and hour of standing in line, holding my heavy 8 month old who is past out in my arms i get to the front of the line and beg for help. i seriously thought i was going to die in the atlanta airport. however, the lady was very helpful, but she told me that the only flight available was in 3 hours and there was only 2 seats. we needed 3. so the lady told me that my mom and i would have to split up and go on seperate flights and i would have to choose which child was going to go with me. omg it was my own personal sophie's choice! i started to cry like a total moron and the biggest miracle happened, the lady (i think her name was haley) said "oh wait, another seat just opened up, you can all go together" i was so overwhelmed with happiness i think i told haley that i will name my future daughter after her...yes i did say that. crazy people say crazy things. so my mom and my kids walked to our gate for our flight that would take off in about 3 hours. now my kids had not slept all night so walking to our gate was awful! my 2 year old screamed the whole way to the point where she was foaming of the mouth. everyone was starring at me. but i could care less. i had been through it all and this was nothing.

we finally got on the airplane and we landed in arizona where we had another 3 hour layover. my baby was down to her diaper because she had spit up on everything to the max, and my daughter looked like she could be one of the orphans off of the movie "annie". we went to our gate and the lady at the desk made the announcement that the plane we were supposed to travel on was having problems so they are going to downsize, which means everyone after row 26 was going to have to find a different flight. my mom and i almost died at the announcement and my mother (bless her heart) went up to the woman and demanded that we are put on that flight. i think the lady was a little taken back at my mom's full force attitude, but happily informed us that we are in seats 21 A, B, and C... so we made it.

getting on the airplane and landing in san diego was the most relieving experience i could ever imagine. we were all so exhausted and just wanted to go home. and we finally did. hallelujah. i wouldn't wish that experience on anyone...not even my worst enemy...wait...i totally would, because that was torture!!!!!!!!

just a thought...

               

so it is pretty obvious that i have encountered some pretty embarrassing escapades in my life. oh, and it is so not over. i have had plenty more believe you me. but i wanted to take a break from that and just share a thought i had on evolution. it is pretty deep in fact. here it is...

evolution is not the answer as to how we got here. sorry charles, although your theory may have supported evidence but answer me this...if evolution is a true theory wouldn't we still be evolving physically? and if that was true, why don't moms have a couple extra pair of arms by now? i mean, we could use them (especially me, now more than ever!) why has the human race quit evolving? don't get me wrong, i know we can evolve and become an improved species, but that is only by the power of using the tools that we have here like a scalpel, a treadmill, a tanning bed, weight watchers and of course the television show "what not to wear." But naturally, scientifically, alone, there have not been any signs of a mutation shift that has continued to evolve us into a new, refined species such as the ape is said to be the ancestor of man

now i am not even close to being a scientist (in fact, i almost failed biology in college) but i do know this. if evolution is real, i will be expecting a pair of arm nubs to start forming on a female prodigy any day now so one day mothers can finally physically do it all , and until then, sorry mr. darwin, but you got it all wrong.

                

occupied

Edit

so my husband and i are packing and getting ready for a big trip-new york! couldn't be more excited. can't wait to stick my face into a slice of new york pizza and a hoboken cupcake. oh yes and the sites too will be nice. my husband can't wait to see wallstreet...blah. show me the designer knock offs baby! of course to get to new york we have to take an airplane. which takes me back to an nightmare i'm still trying to forget. my family and i were on our way to hawaii. as soon as i entered the small overcrowded airplane i saw him. tall, dark, shaved head and a chain on his jeans. i th0ught he was dreamy. anyway couldn't stand there and stare i had to get to my seat. unfortunatly, from where i was sitting i only could see his left elbow...hot. flying to hawaii of course takes a lifetime and naturally i had to go to the bathroom. love the airplane bathroom...so small and freaky. hate the toilet...silver and waterless. and the flush sounds like its going to take one of your limbs with it. as i sat there doing my thing, the worst thing that could possibly happen became the inevitable. the bathroom door opened...not by my hand-which would be impossible since i was pretty much glued to the pot...but by the hand of a tall, dark figure with a shaved head and a silver chain on his jeans. my world went into slow motion as i looked up and made eye contact with "the" cute guy. my deer in the headlight look was probably not attractive at all matching the horrifying position i was in sitting on the toilet with my pants down to my ankles. all i managed to get out of my mouth was this monkey, low pitched, masculin, sound "whoaalgh!". the guy's face looked shocked and stunned as he roughly said "oh, im sorry" while slowly closing the door. i stared straight ahead, still in complete shock, as i tried to collect my thoughts. i burried my face in my hands "what just happened?" "i'm sitting on the toilet!" "why didn't i lock the door?" "it could have been anyone, why him?" "why did i pull my pants down all the way to my ankles?" "how does it smell in here?" "what do i do now?" "is he still waiting outside for me to finish?" "can i just sit here until the plane lands and empties till i come out and show my face?" "what was that sound that came out of my mouth?" i probably sat on that toilet for 15 minutes till i had the gumption to come out. if there was an option to be flushed into another world millions of miles away i would have totally taken it.

an entry worth mentioning...

so late one night i was buried in my old journals, laughing, cringing, gasping, and even sweating at times. i felt like i was reliving some of the experiences as i read them. i kept stuffing my face in my pillow because i was so embarrassed for myself. well i came along an entry that i just had to share. the year was 2000- i was in 8th grade and to say i was "in love" with this one particular guy would be an understatement. his name filled the pages of my journals with sob stories of how he will never love me like i love him (oh please). but get this...the end of my love affair with him ended with one simple bodily function. and i even wrote a poem about it to prove it.

i wish i could scan the exact entry but my handwriting, embarrassed to say resembles a 2nd grader (and still does i'm told) and it is pretty much illegible.

but here is what was said: (warning...if you get offended easily about potty humor, don't continue)

...so (blank) came over with everyone and we had a dance party. and when he wasn't looking at me and I was looking at him- HE TOTALLY FARTED. i am so turned off! and i wrote a poem about it.

fart
i don't know how my feelings started, but they ended when you farted
the feeling vanished in my gut when you opened up your butt
i wish my ears were on mute when you let out that large, enormous toot
it's amazing what a fart can do
now i have no interest in you

wow. i am so glad to see that i have matured since then.

in the buck

have you ever had that dream that you went to school naked? i have too. i remember it so vividly because it seemed so freakishly real. i remember trying to hide between two locker doors but my butt was still hanging out and i even felt a draft. why is it that the bad, mortifying dreams are the ones that are the hardest to wake up from and the easiest to slip back into, yet, the good dreams happen in a blink and no matter how hard you stuff your face into your pillow, you cannot for the life of you get back to sleep and once you do, that good dream has long disapeared into the archives of the unreachable and the impossible.
well at least i was able to eventaully wake up from the common "naked at school" nightmare, of course giving a sigh of relief the moment i realize that it didn't actually happen. little did i know, that nightmare would only forshadow the reality i was about to live some time in the near future.

                                

i was living in atlanta one summer and i had just come home from work and i wanted to take a quick rinse in the shower to cool off from the excruciating summer heat. it wasn't long till i heard my husband's voice in the other room, yell something to me but of course, it did not come out clear. "what?" i yelled back, and then i heard his voice repeat the same muffled sentance. Annoyed, i finish my shower quickly, toweled off, brushed my wet hair back and walked out to the main room of our small apartment...reminder i had NOTHING on but maybe a few water drops, not even a sock. "what did you sa-" i began to ask.

standing there, straight ahead, was my husband's friend. he took one glance at me as i stood there, uncovered, in the buck like a deer in the headlights. all i remember is my entire body keeling over, trying to cover whatever i possible could with my naked arms in such short notice. everything in that moment seem to be going in slow-mo. still bent over and horrified, i managed to run backwards into the bedroom while letting out an agonizing "waaaaaaah!"

i heard the front door slam shut, as my husband's friend, startled and somewhat jolted, booked it out of the apartment as fast as he could. no sooner later i heard a big thud on the floor. grabbing my robe, still blinking my eyes rapidly hoping to wake up from this nightmare, i ran back into the  main room only to find my husband on the floor gasping for breath do to his inability to contain his laughter at the
scene he had just witnessed.
                         

what is even worse, what my husband was trying to tell me while i was in the shower was a reminder that we were all going to go out to dinner that night with his friend and his friend's wife. well, looks like that friend was going to get more than just dinner, but a dinner AND a show.